The Power of God

When Ellie was diagnosed with cancer our world changed. Every single thing changed. The absolute best change was the entrance of God into our lives. Some people blame God when there is a tragedy such as disease or death. They wonder why He did not intervene to stop it from occurring. Why my child? Why us? We're good people, how could this happen? These are all normal questions that I have heard other families ask. I have witnessed my own parents ask those very questions after the death of my older brother in 1985. There is no right answer when dealing with such pain. I believe there are lots of answers to those questions. But all I really need to know is that God is love. God did not give Ellie cancer. I have never blamed Him. The devil or the chaos of having free will as sinning individuals causes illness and death and bad things. I think it's random at times who is affected. I feel God has used Ellie's cancer in a positive way. He has used Ellie and her life to bring forth hope and inspiration.

If you would have asked me what my views were on God and heaven just two years before, I would have told you that God and heaven and eternal life all sounded like a wonderful 'idea' but I just wasn't buying in. I have talked to God for most of my life and I have turned to him half heartily when I was scared or worried about something. I never really felt a connection. I asked for years for signs from God. I so wanted to have that void filled. When I questioned people about their faith (my own husband even) and what makes them believe in God, I received a lot of "I just feel His presence or I just know He exists." Those answers always drove me bonkers and although secretly envious, I told myself they were simple people with no real ability to think for themselves. I know, not very nice thoughts but it's what I told myself.

So back to God's timing; for me it just wasn't the right time and two years ago I sat at the lake, the place I found most spiritual and decided that I did not believe in God. I wasn't terribly sad about it, it was more of just admitting to myself that I had asked for signs and proof long enough without any answer and it was time now to put those questions away. I was still going to be a good person, I was going to find that spiritual connection in nature and appreciate the beauty that was before me and I would be better off in the end. How wrong I was.

With God, timing is everything and it is on His time, not ours. Now that I have the vantage point of looking back over the last 16 months, I can see how delicately woven the pieces of life are. They all fit amazingly well together and it blows me away to think about the perfection. I know now that God was always there for me over the course of my entire life but I think He was waiting for Ellie. Through her, everything would be revealed. This was going to be big, not only for me and my salvation but for so many others. It had to occur this way so people would see it with their own eyes. On April 23rd 2008 we were told Ellie had a softball sized cancerous tumor in her brain and that her odds for recovery were dismal. That news and the thought of losing my child allowed me to open my heart and to have it be pure, truly pure, for the first time in my life. Everything changed from that point on. The change that took place showed me that I needed to pray and ask God for mercy. After I prayed to God, I felt His presence. He was there and it was so strong. I prayed with that pure heart that He would heal her or if He had to take her, to give us peace that it was OK and that she would be OK. Peace, amazing peace, came to me and the fear of not knowing about God or heaven or eternal life all vanished.

Love is what saves us. God gives us the ability to love so deeply for another that we would lay down our own lives. God is there my friends. I know that many people need to experience this on their own and to receive that proof that I so yearned for. The signs we have received have been many and they have been undeniable. I pray that all of you do find that connection if you do not have it but I also know it is on God's time and if you turn to Him when you really need Him, He will be there. God is always there. He may be waiting for the right time. A time that will bring about the most possible good in as many people as He can. We all have free will to believe or not to believe but the signs that God has shown me over the last several months leave no room for doubt anymore.

One of the signs that God sent to us happened on March 23rd of this year. As I grow in my faith, on occasions I have doubt and fear. I know God wants me to trust in His plan and that fear only comes from the devil. Cancer and the threat of returning cancer will always be in the back of our minds. I try to give all the worry to God about this but on some days I am weaker than others. On this particular day in March, Ellie woke up and she didn't feel well. She thought she may have to vomit. That is not like Ellie, as she has been the picture of health even through chemo treatments, so I panicked because a sign of the brain tumor returning is morning vomiting. We rushed to the bathroom but it was a false alarm, the nausea passed. As I sat there in a cold sweat I realized that I cannot live this way. I cannot be afraid of every little thing and that if I continued to live like this, the devil would win and I would not be trusting in God. So on that day, I gave all of my fear, concern and worry to God. I asked Him to help me and to show me that we were all going to be OK and to give me peace. About an hour later I was in my bathroom getting ready to blow dry my hair. All of a sudden it got very bright in the bathroom. On the far wall there was a display of very bright, shiny light. When I looked at it, I saw what appeared to be an angel on the wall. I have never seen any light on that wall before and I had a strong urge to document this with my camera. I grabbed a towel and raced downstairs for the camera. Part of me thought the image would be gone, the light of the sun or the clouds would have moved in the two minutes it took for me to retrieve the camera. I was wrong. The image was still there upon my return. It stayed for about 10 minutes and then slowly broke apart. When I downloaded the image from my camera and I could look at it without all the brightness, I saw not an angel but a large outline of Jesus' face, His hair and His arms raising up with what appears to be a robe falling down around His arms. I thought this was incredible and I felt so alive, so blessed, so humbled. Later on that night, looking at the photo again, I saw what I was really suppose to see. In the middle of the photo, where the bigger Jesus' part of hair is, is the face of Jesus. The face is just on the wall side of the image and not on the mirror side. It brings me to tears each time I see it. This image has been seen by thousands and only one person did not see it as a spiritual vision. There is much to see in this image and people have seen the Virgin Mary, Angels and Jesus. I hope it will move you and show you that when you do trust in God's word and believe with all your heart that miracles do happen. This image to me is a miracle. You can click on the image to see it in a larger format. Thank you for reading this far along, I know this post was all over the place.

Get your paws off my new outlook!

The girls have 2 half days of school left and then we welcome in summer vacation! Well sort of. Ellie will start summer school on June 29th for about 4 weeks. She will go Monday - Thursday for 4 hours. I know it will be huge for her and she really does need it to prepare for first grade after all she has missed out on while in treatment. She loves school so she is super excited.

Emma is thrilled about the end of school. We looked over her grades online last night and she achieved all As and Bs. Math has always been her weak spot and last quarter she slipped quite a bit so I made a deal (in the form of a signed contract) that should she get herself back on the honor roll this grade period, she would be the lucky owner of an Ipod -Touch. The I-Touch is the sister technology to the I-Pod. It's all about multimedia with this sweet little application. I wouldn't mind having one myself. Emma has also been asking for a room re-do since we returned from Memphis. She is eager to leave behind the pretty pink walls and bedding in anticipation of more 'grown up' styles. She would like a black, white and green palette in her room with lots of posters. I am probably going to have to limit the amount of Twilight posters at some point. So, she has a decision to make. New I-Touch or bedroom makeover. I will keep you posted. This week has been odd. The oddness actually started last Thursday when my computer had a tantrum and would not boot up for me. I can roll with the punches with most of life's ups and downs but when my computer acts up and I have to implement work arounds to get things done it puts me a little on edge. Eric, my tech guru, advised not shutting down the PC at all out of fear that additional damage could be done. My system was up and running but something was askew with my email and no connection could be made to send or receive mail. The internet connection was just fine and I was able to get in on my other system so I knew that all my email needed was a reboot. One that didn't just require opening and closing the email program but rebooting the entire system... but I was warned that bad things would be in store for me if I did that. So, of course, I didn't want bad things to happen so I didn't do that.

I limped along all weekend and the early part of this week going back and forth between my two systems. Thankfully, all is right in my tech world once again. The new hard drive has been installed and the old decrepit hard drive was cloned before it died so I did not loose any data at all. Can I get an Amen! I also have started utilizing a new email program. I have always used and loved Outlook Express for all things email. My tech boy told me to get hip and ditch that and use Outlook 2007. I am not really one for change in this area. More of an 'if it aint' broke' type of mentality but I decided to leave my comfort zone and go for it. I had a small learning curve at first but I am now rocking Outlook and am loving it. I encourage all you Outlook Express users to make the switch. Who knew email could be this fun?!

The other oddity of the week involves new kitty Kanye. As you have learned from previous posts he is one crazy little guy, full of energy. On Monday he wasn't so crazy anymore. He spent the day sleeping. Even when I woke him he was lethargic and not too responsive. I knew something was wrong. We made it to the vet office 30 minutes before they closed and was told Kanye had a fever of 105. Normal cat temperature is around 100.5-101.5. Dr. Bill was concerned because within the past 3 days two kittens from the same Humane Shelter that Kanye came from have died. They had a fast spreading GI infection. Thankfully, Kanye did not seem to have an upset stomach. He had been sneezing so we are hopeful that he just has a common upper respiratory infection and the antibiotics he is now on will make him feel better very soon. While he recuperates, he has become a very needy little man. Always begging to be picked up and held. He has this highly irritating squirrel in danger squeak that is beginning to drive me crazy. He just wants to sit on my keyboard and no where else. If I shut my office door he just wails incessantly outside. If this keeps up I am going to need a kitty intervention. I have said it before, It's a good thing he is a cutie.

Tuesday night a band of thunderstorms rolled in. Ellie and I sat outside watching the clouds and lightening approach. We decided to do a little dramatic scene with Ellie pointing in fear at the impending storm of the century. I will leave you with this photo. We have more storms in store for tonight, better get my camera ready.

Cupcakes, Birthdays and Birds

What a fantastic weekend! So much for designing...the girls and the weather were just too strong of a pull. I did get myself up at 6:30 am on Saturday to get some orders out by 1 pm but once that was done, I was not going back into the studio. Instead, we made cupcakes, went to the flower store, bird watched in the backyard, took a spin around the block (Ellie in her Barbie Escalade and me using my two feet) and went to the park for some slide time. That was Saturday afternoon. The cupcakes we made were for my mom. She was celebrating her birthday on Sunday and we were going to visit armed with sweet treats. Ellie helped me make the cupcakes and Emma helped by sampling all the quality product that was coming out of the kitchen.

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I was not overly crazy about these cupcakes. We used our last container of Sprinkles cupcake mix that we had. The flavor was vanilla and the frosting was too. Too much vanilla for my tastes and unfortunately I did not have any bittersweet chocolate to make chocolate frosting. Emma loved them but if I am going to eat a cupcake, I do want to eat some chocolate somewhere in there. I think we will stick with the dark chocolate mix from Sprinkles. Those were the best cupcakes I ever made.

Sunday my mom turned 73. I am sure she will not mind me sharing her age. She has accomplished a lot over those 73 years and she should be proud of herself and her age. We enjoyed a great day at her house and we were so grateful that this year we were all together instead of Ellie and me in Memphis. The girls made grandma cards and I didn't realize until we were done shopping for her gift that she received all bird related items. We got her a new garden flag with bluebirds, a cute little shore bird for her bathroom and a stone welcome sign for her yard that has a Cardinal and the words Welcome. Thank goodness she enjoyed all of it and didn't mind the bird theme. Next year back to Brighton, I promise. Steve grilled up some steak for dinner and Ellie said the prayer before we ate. It was a good day. :)

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Ellie fell asleep in the van on the drive home. The girls watched Space Buddies on the drive up and on the drive home Emma wanted to watch 'Bride Wars' and that's not really Ellie's genre so she opted for a nap. It was so cute to see her zonked out in the way back of the van (her new favorite place to sit) with her shades on. She does have a seat belt on. It doesn't look like it but she does. Honest.

Saturday afternoon I took some bird photos in the yard. I am so honored to have their presence. Whenever I see parents bring their offspring to our feeders, I am so thankful that they trust us, that they can depend on us for a steady food supply and that they choose to visit with us. They are pretty accustomed to me being in the yard so I can get up close and personal. Nature is such a gift from God and I am moved each time I can sit and revel in it all it's beauty.

Baby Red Bellied Woodpecker. He looks to have awkward teenage legs...a bit too big for him to handle.

One of my favorite birds. Black Capped Chickadee.

Another favorite bird that always takes my breath away. The Red Headed Woodpecker is on the decline list in the US so I am grateful that we have a beautiful one that comes by every once in awhile.

An appropriate bird for us, since we are such cat lovers, the Cat Bird makes an appearance Saturday afternoon. They are named due to their cat like sounding call.

Rain Showers, Creativity and Blessings

It's been raining all. day. long. I don't mind though. The weather this Spring has been wonderful and we've had more sunshine than rain. The rainy day has kept me inside working. Puddle splashing is not my thing so without the sun and singing birds to distract me, I can actually get some work accomplished.

I have been in design mode in the studio. Every Spring I like to release new designs for Tickle Bellies, my stationery company. Expanding my business with new stores, trade shows and a new product line was placed on hold last Spring. Ellie was diagnosed with brain cancer at the end of April and we spent about 3 weeks in a local hospital while she recovered from 2 brain surgeries. We then went on an extended road trip to the land of the Delta Blue. The amazing facility of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital in Memphis, TN was where we spent most of the next 7 months. Thankfully while we received this life saving treatment, my business carried on. Run by employees at first and then by the month of August we decided to move Tickle Bellies to Memphis for 5 months and run it ourselves. Nothing new was released in 2008. I don't think I could have designed a thing if I wanted to... I was emotionally tapped out and all our creative energy went to our girls and getting us through this journey in a positive way.

We thank God that Ellie is cancer free. (woo hoo!) It's the biggest blessing of our lives and has changed us so completely. I feel we can finally breathe again and life is falling back into place and therefore I have been designing again. It's good to be creating. I really missed it. Here are some fun new designs I have been working on.

The sun is scheduled to make an appearance for most of the weekend so I hope the pull of gardening, birding and loafing on patio furniture isn't too overwhelming and I can continue to design some more.

Corruption at Fox Cove Circle

Today started off with a bit of panic. I went into my office and realized my computer had rebooted itself (I usually leave it on all the time) and instead of seeing a happy desktop I saw a black screen of death that announced my system could not be started because my configuration files were damaged or corrupt. I rebooted and couldn't seem to get past that ominous black screen. I went over to my other office PC and googled my error message. It seemed like all wasn't lost and there was some hope for a possible fix. Maybe. If I was lucky.

I quickly called my computer guru Eric for assistance. I do have a back up system in place but because I am Irish and Murphy's Law is always in effect in times like this, my backup space quota was maxed out and the last successful backup was completed 5 days ago. Five days doesn't seem so bad but for me it may well have been 5 months. I have so much new, critical information each day for my business that if lost would be a major, and I mean, major bummer.


Eric was not as reassuring on the phone as I wanted him to be when I told him about the warning message. I was hoping he would tell me that error was common and I had nothing to fear. He just said he'd be over in the afternoon to see what he could do. In the big picture of life things like this are upsetting but because of the last 15 months with Ellie and her cancer journey, I was able to deal with it. If I ended up losing some data I would survive and figure out what to do. So... Eric came over and he was able to get the system back up and running. I was a little worried in the beginning when all he pulled from my hard drive was a graphic from one of my clipart CDs. Thankfully, his fingers started clicking away and in 20 minutes my computer world was loading back up photos, data and everything else. Woo Hoo! Margarita time!

We increased my storage space so backups would continue daily and I sent critical items to my other office PC thru the office network. The diagnosis is that my hard drive is on its last legs. Next week I will have a new one. Eric advised me to not shut down the PC or that black screen may be come back for a visit. Let's hope tonight's thunderstorms do not result in any power outages. Thank you Eric for coming to my rescue today.

Because Kanye is so new to the family line up I have some more photos of him. Dodge is our oldest cat and he and Kanye are the boys of the house. Dodge is old enough to be his grandfather or great grandfather and today as Kanye wanted to play, Dodge showed his age. He couldn't keep up or be bothered with this young whippersnapper. After about 10 minutes of abuse, Dodge, normally quite docile, pinned Kanye and let him know who the alpha male of the house is. Kanye shook it off and bounced on his merry way to ambush Phoebe. Some things in life must be learned the hard way.

The boys bonded for a few minutes while they viewed the outside world of birds and squirrels.

Their camaraderie was short lived when Kanye could not contain himself any longer. The temptation to chew on Dodge's tail was just too powerful.

Twilight 'New Moon' casting is on Kanye's mind as he takes a bite out of Dodge's neck. This was the last straw and resulted in a Kanye smackdown, Dodge style.

How could something so cute cause such trouble?

Wednesday Morning in Photos

This morning was absolutely beautiful. The forecast called for it to be hot and humid by the afternoon with a cold front and thunderstorms predicted for the evening but at 9:00 am it was picture perfect. Light breeze, warm but not too hot and the smell of spring and goodness filled the air. Before Ellie headed off to school we sat on the porch and watched this guy for awhile. He was having a leisurely breakfast of ants. Luckily, for me, (not so much for him) there are not too many ants crawling across the patio but there were a few for him to slurp up with his tongue. Ellie thought that was so cool to watch. I wish I had a slow motion video of it.

Ellie sat on the stairs as I took this photo of her. She is wearing her 'I (heart) St. Jude' t-shirt. We certainly do heart St. Jude. It tops our list of blessings and I know that God directed us so strongly to go there for cancer treatment. It is a spiritual place and so full of hope.

When I came home from bringing Ellie to school, I returned to the back yard armed with my camera. I sat and took some random photos - whatever caught my eye. As I have said before, the life in our yard is so vibrant. It is a thriving presence that I am so grateful to be a part of. It's not just all of the birds, animals and plants but it is us. Ellie, me, Steven and Emma. I am so thankful that Ellie is here with us and we have this time to enjoy. I am drinking it all in and savoring every minute. It is bigger than me and I am thankful that I understand it now and can be an active part of it.

Here are some of the things that caught my eye this morning.

Male Bluebird waiting for his two kids to catch up to him. They were still hanging out around the corner. He has that patient dad face but I can tell by their teenage years he is going to lose it.

Mr. Squirrel, one of at least 8, that loves to chow down on the cracked corn that Steven so generously puts out.

Pretty purple perennials (say that 10 times fast) that are growing in the back garden. I don't know what they are but they spread all over and the humming birds love them.

Catmint in the back garden. I had the longer lens on the camera so the pretty delicate detail of this flower is lost but what I like about this photo is the cat sculpture lying in the front of it. Presumably, zonked out from inhaling all of the catmint. :)

I sneaked (or is it snuck) up on Tucker as he was dozing away on his bed. He definitely lacks some of the guard dog mentality that Austin and Shane used to have. You could never sneak up on either one of them. Tucker let out a big yawn and got up to find a tennis ball. Such is his life.

This is one of my favorite views. I love to sit on the patio and look at these beautiful planters. Occasionally a little 5 lined Skink (lizard family) will emerge from the wall for some sun and my view is complete.

After my time outside, I headed in to find a crazy kitten playing with a puff ball from some forgotten craft project. Kanye would carry that puff ball around like it was a mouse and flip it, pounce on it, and bat it around the kitchen floor. Charlotte and Phoebe were watching him from their sun spots with disgust and perhaps with just the slightest bit of envy.

Charlotte is just not that into you Kanye. Sorry. She may seem interested but really she isn't.

Now Phoebe on the other hand offers you the best chance at friendship. She will play with you and wash you and let you share her sun spot but sharing food, well, that is a different story.

He is a crazy little guy but he is so darn cute.
THIS POST WAS KANYE APPROVED!

My Heart

This little girl is my heart. I love her so much at times I think I may die. Today on the way to school as we sat in the carpool line, I was being silly and making up my own words to the 'Blame it on the alcohol' song that we were listening to. (Yes, I know, what am I doing listening to that song with Ellie in the car? Let me tell you, Ellie is a music snob now and listens only to popular music. There is no more cutesy Wiggles, Lori Berkner or Dan Zane on her playlist and besides the title to that Jamie Foxx song sounds worse then it really is.) So... I am being silly and Ellie is laughing, laughing so hard and trying to cover up my mouth so I will be quiet. Her laugh envelops me. She is so happy. So full of life. These are the moments that I want to lock away. The carefree spiritedness of a six year old. My six year old. My Ellie.