When Ellie was diagnosed with cancer our world changed. Every single thing changed. The absolute best change was the entrance of God into our lives. Some people blame God when there is a tragedy such as disease or death. They wonder why He did not intervene to stop it from occurring. Why my child? Why us? We're good people, how could this happen? These are all normal questions that I have heard other families ask. I have witnessed my own parents ask those very questions after the death of my older brother in 1985. There is no right answer when dealing with such pain. I believe there are lots of answers to those questions. But all I really need to know is that God is love. God did not give Ellie cancer. I have never blamed Him. The devil or the chaos of having free will as sinning individuals causes illness and death and bad things. I think it's random at times who is affected. I feel God has used Ellie's cancer in a positive way. He has used Ellie and her life to bring forth hope and inspiration.
If you would have asked me what my views were on God and heaven just two years before, I would have told you that God and heaven and eternal life all sounded like a wonderful 'idea' but I just wasn't buying in. I have talked to God for most of my life and I have turned to him half heartily when I was scared or worried about something. I never really felt a connection. I asked for years for signs from God. I so wanted to have that void filled. When I questioned people about their faith (my own husband even) and what makes them believe in God, I received a lot of "I just feel His presence or I just know He exists." Those answers always drove me bonkers and although secretly envious, I told myself they were simple people with no real ability to think for themselves. I know, not very nice thoughts but it's what I told myself.
So back to God's timing; for me it just wasn't the right time and two years ago I sat at the lake, the place I found most spiritual and decided that I did not believe in God. I wasn't terribly sad about it, it was more of just admitting to myself that I had asked for signs and proof long enough without any answer and it was time now to put those questions away. I was still going to be a good person, I was going to find that spiritual connection in nature and appreciate the beauty that was before me and I would be better off in the end. How wrong I was.
With God, timing is everything and it is on His time, not ours. Now that I have the vantage point of looking back over the last 16 months, I can see how delicately woven the pieces of life are. They all fit amazingly well together and it blows me away to think about the perfection. I know now that God was always there for me over the course of my entire life but I think He was waiting for Ellie. Through her, everything would be revealed. This was going to be big, not only for me and my salvation but for so many others. It had to occur this way so people would see it with their own eyes. On April 23rd 2008 we were told Ellie had a softball sized cancerous tumor in her brain and that her odds for recovery were dismal. That news and the thought of losing my child allowed me to open my heart and to have it be pure, truly pure, for the first time in my life. Everything changed from that point on. The change that took place showed me that I needed to pray and ask God for mercy. After I prayed to God, I felt His presence. He was there and it was so strong. I prayed with that pure heart that He would heal her or if He had to take her, to give us peace that it was OK and that she would be OK. Peace, amazing peace, came to me and the fear of not knowing about God or heaven or eternal life all vanished.
Love is what saves us. God gives us the ability to love so deeply for another that we would lay down our own lives. God is there my friends. I know that many people need to experience this on their own and to receive that proof that I so yearned for. The signs we have received have been many and they have been undeniable. I pray that all of you do find that connection if you do not have it but I also know it is on God's time and if you turn to Him when you really need Him, He will be there. God is always there. He may be waiting for the right time. A time that will bring about the most possible good in as many people as He can. We all have free will to believe or not to believe but the signs that God has shown me over the last several months leave no room for doubt anymore.
One of the signs that God sent to us happened on March 23rd of this year. As I grow in my faith, on occasions I have doubt and fear. I know God wants me to trust in His plan and that fear only comes from the devil. Cancer and the threat of returning cancer will always be in the back of our minds. I try to give all the worry to God about this but on some days I am weaker than others. On this particular day in March, Ellie woke up and she didn't feel well. She thought she may have to vomit. That is not like Ellie, as she has been the picture of health even through chemo treatments, so I panicked because a sign of the brain tumor returning is morning vomiting. We rushed to the bathroom but it was a false alarm, the nausea passed. As I sat there in a cold sweat I realized that I cannot live this way. I cannot be afraid of every little thing and that if I continued to live like this, the devil would win and I would not be trusting in God. So on that day, I gave all of my fear, concern and worry to God. I asked Him to help me and to show me that we were all going to be OK and to give me peace. About an hour later I was in my bathroom getting ready to blow dry my hair. All of a sudden it got very bright in the bathroom. On the far wall there was a display of very bright, shiny light. When I looked at it, I saw what appeared to be an angel on the wall. I have never seen any light on that wall before and I had a strong urge to document this with my camera. I grabbed a towel and raced downstairs for the camera. Part of me thought the image would be gone, the light of the sun or the clouds would have moved in the two minutes it took for me to retrieve the camera. I was wrong. The image was still there upon my return. It stayed for about 10 minutes and then slowly broke apart. When I downloaded the image from my camera and I could look at it without all the brightness, I saw not an angel but a large outline of Jesus' face, His hair and His arms raising up with what appears to be a robe falling down around His arms. I thought this was incredible and I felt so alive, so blessed, so humbled. Later on that night, looking at the photo again, I saw what I was really suppose to see. In the middle of the photo, where the bigger Jesus' part of hair is, is the face of Jesus. The face is just on the wall side of the image and not on the mirror side. It brings me to tears each time I see it. This image has been seen by thousands and only one person did not see it as a spiritual vision. There is much to see in this image and people have seen the Virgin Mary, Angels and Jesus. I hope it will move you and show you that when you do trust in God's word and believe with all your heart that miracles do happen. This image to me is a miracle. You can click on the image to see it in a larger format. Thank you for reading this far along, I know this post was all over the place.
